Psychologically Askew (everthefool) wrote in askjenny,
Psychologically Askew

advice pls jenny

My drinking is uncontrollable and I can't function without it. I'm in a terrible mood right now and it is an easy release. No one is able to identify with my problem and yet it is not unique. I'm losing and risking too much for it to prolong. I need to take care of it. I usually spin everything and make myself the victim, but when you alienate everyone else and become the tragic story among all your friends, it gets progressively harder to do. You watch these bad saturday night special movies about a good kid turning wrong and you never think of yourself in that role. A simple indulgence followed by spinning out of control and the climactic downfall seems destined for some other loser, but never you. However, when you live the cliche it's tough to ignore. My usual philosophy is to live a bacchanalian life: if it's enjoyable do it. Negative thoughts and shameful experiences can be either rationalized or buried. But if I have any hope of kicking this thing, I got to face my demons.

Well if not all my demons at least the ones associated with drinking. These days I'm unhappy. I'm stuck in a job I don't like,with the promise of an uncertain future. Relationships are non existant and friendships are declining. I drink almost always in a social atmosphere. Even if I'm alone, being at a bar is like being with kindred spirits. It's a facsimile of being part of something, a society if you will. At the same time, people leave you alone so it feeds my need for solitude. Going to a bar is like going to church for others, it's my form of worship. Their I can mull over the events of the day/week and pay pennance with each drink.

Never underestimate the significance of self pity. People feed on it as much as any other nourishment. What better place to indulge in it than at a bar? You sit down at your lonely bar stool, with people who don't care about you, and you listen to the sad juke box in that dim dim bar. You stare at the dilapidated wall hangings, the broken lamps, the sad wood carving of a fish and it's like a mirror of how you feel. I long for bars because this drab setting is easier for me to connect with than my friends. What they don't understand is problems are not talked about, they should be pondered in the mind and drank down like the sour whiskey and thereby quenched.

so jenny, what should i do?
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